Family Ties

My Father would be proud. This Christmas proved to be quite a challenge. But I learned from it what a strong and wonderful family I have. My siblings and I have never had a Christmas without seeing each other. I am 64, so that is quite a blessing. This Christmas my brother in law fell and broke his hip. He has been in ill health for a number of years now, but this time Christmas was going to be different. After much talk to my sister, who always opens her home at Christmas we convinced her that this year it would be to much. She agreed, but was not happy. All was put into seeing Art through and making the holiday still shine. Well, for starters, my son Devins future mother in law called and asked us for hor dourves Christmas Eve.
Jerry and I had a quiet dinner alone, and my sister met us at Church for a wonderful Christmas Eve service. Then we dropped her back at the hospital and went on to Michelles. My sister came over to Michele's about 9 and we stayed for a while with delicious little pastries, cheeses and wine. Then all went home. Chrissy has a awful cold but still managed to share Christmas with us. Then my daughter Erin's mother in law invited us to eat on Christmas day. It was so good seeing them.
In between I talked to my brother and he said that we should all come to Erie where he lives Christmas night. All of our grown children could not be happier. So I went to Church Christmas morning, then dinner at Charlenes, opened presents at Erin's and off to Erie we went. We were all together.
I had just started a new job, that I have been searching for, for months. A crossing guard in Dearborn. I love it. The children are so polite and so sweet. Only problem, Chloe needed someone to watch over her. (my nephew Brians adorable little girl) So Jerry and I would go to my post, together so we could go right on to my sisters to watch Chole. Oh, did I mention our dog Max went too? We stayed until Barb got home and went back to my post at school closing time. And I had the time of my life with a beautiful little red headed two year old.!! My brother was so great at keeping my sister together and being there for her at the hospital. He even played baloon basketball with Art in rehab. Then, he said something, a memory. Do you remember three little kids, (being us) standing in the corner window on Christmas waiting for Daddy to come home Christmas morning. The minute we saw his car turn off Goddard, our Christmas began. And that is what it is about. Not money or gifts, Family who cares about each other. I know my Dad is proud of all of his family. He always was when he was here, and I know he is still giving us that wink and words of encouragement. I miss Mom and Dad so much, but they are with us, through our memories. The love is there and that is what will always count. You get through good times easy, it is when you get through bad times that matter. I am blessed with a wonderful family. We have chapter of memories and nothing can take that away. Our extended families are always there too and of course Jerry, my husband. By my side, always. Jerry is a rock and has been there for me many years. He encourages me, stands by me when I am down and loves me. Who could ask for more?

A simple walk

This morning I got up as usual, had my coffee, took a shower, looked out the window and thought. It will be winter soon, Max come on let's take a walk. (Max, being my dog, who is also my best friend) So, I put on his coat even tho he did not need it and we set off.
He was chipper and I looked down and him and said, happy are you little guy? And I swear he smiled at me!!
I was only going to take a short walk, but as walks sometimes are a way for me to think, let off steam, or simply relax, I decided we would walk longer.
I am glad we did.
This has been an extremely hard year, and many things have happened which I have no control over.
I have always been able to problem solve and keep moving but the last two weeks have been hard. Well,,, we turned the corner and I heard the wind blowing in the trees, what a beautiful sound, then I watched the leaves and listened really listened to them rustle. I started to relax.
Then we crossed the street and walked next to a house that a young baby was crying from. Nothing serious was going on, just a young baby. Just? My mind then went to my two children who are grown and in my mind I could hear each one of them at some time, their little cries, their big cries. I thought to myself, why did I not cherish this more? They are older now, and I know I did a good job with them. They are both wonderful adults. I somehow managed to make them both independent. They are my greatest joys. I also have a wonderful husband who has stood by me in many times of pain and happiness. How lucky I am!
I have never been a person to speak up for myself, but as I am getting older I am finding that it is getting easier, because I know only I can make myself happy. If a friend gets mad at me now, I do not dwell, I just say to myself. This to shall pass. I cannot make myself sick over small events anymore. I have watched someone I love very much struggle with all her being, and she does not complain. She is an inspiration.
Before I got home I thought of my Mom and all the wonderful baking she did and how she entertained on very little money and very little space. So much fun was had in that small little basement. My short walk turned into a long one, but I came home feeling good.
I got out my bake things, and baked. I made a dinner my Dad could have had every night, and now I am going to read for a while. Life is good. I treasure my family, they are your lifeline. They accept you for you. I am one lucky lady. Enjoy the fall everyone. Listen to the trees and leaves!

My Best Friend

It is a well known fact that animals can provide comfort and love to human beings of every age.
My Max is the sweetest, lovable, dog you could ever want.
He has recently acquired an ulcer on his eye.
I really do not know who is hurting more, me or Max.
After 1 week of treatment at home, he was sent to a specialist, who treated him for a week at home. Upon his check up it was shown he had a melting ulcer. So my dear Max had to spend time in the hospital.
Needless to say, Jerry and I had a very uneasy night.
After calling twice, I felt reassured enough to fall asleep.
The next day they said they felt he should spend one more day of treatment around the clock.
We went and visited him and it was so sad. Next day they sad he could come home, but that we would have to do 24 hour eye drops (4 different ) kinds every 3-4 hours Jerry and I worked very well together. But we were very nervous.
I was supposed to go to Chicago with my sister, by it goes without saying that was not going to happen.
We had a difficult morning this morning, but made it through. All the medicine is making him anxious and his stomach upset.
People may think cancelling a trip is silly, but not me. When you love a person, animal, whatever, you do what you must do. And that is what I did. Hopefully, when we take our little guy next week, we will hear better news. Until then, all you animal lovers out there please say a little prayer for my Max.

things may come, things may go

There was a link recently on facebook about things missing from Wyandotte. Went through the years in my mind and thought of so many different things, places, people. Made me think how strange life is. You know that friends come and go, places come and go, you just do not realize at the time.
Memories of Wyandotte will always hold dear to me.
I cherish them. Memories are what holds us together.
Beginnings are scary, endings are always sad, it is what is in between that really matters.
I went to a street fair with a dear friend from E.W. this weekend. We talked about this. Decided we were for sure going to make dates to meet for dinners every few months.
I read an article in a magazine that said to survive you have to not care so much about people. I have always had a hard time with this. But maybe this article was right, sometimes you do have to tell yourself I don't care in order to survive yourself. I have been hurt so much and is it really worth it? But we have to realize that in order to be happy, you have to say, I have done enough. If the friendship is over or relationship is over, there is nothing more I can do and let it go. I am going to try. This has been a very difficult year. I need to have some peace, and in getting peace I have to let go.

Families are the root.

As I get older, I think I finally am getting wiser. Wiser to know that, go with the flow, try to enjoy when you can.
There is so much that happens in a lifetime. Regrets, sure we all have them. My only regret was to be easier on myself and enjoy life more. But I am not to old to do that now. I always wanted everything to be perfect for my two children. But now I know, you can't do that. You have to let them grow. Thankfully, they did grow and grow into wonderful adults. They both have wonderful partners and my extended family is a joy.
I am so proud of all of them. Chrissy and Erin seem to be picking up my Moms vibe. They bake, they read and have get togethers with their friends.
Each has there unique way of style. Which is great. Erin is my 60's child and Chrissy is more old country style. They both garden and can, they both love cooking. It is wonderful to see them happy.
My boys are an inspiration. Both lost their jobs just before and after Christmas this year. (Not in a very businesslike way either) and have come out for the better. In fact I think they are happier. Devin has learned much this summer with Billy and they have had fun doing it. He is going to school in the fall and Billy is going for a Contractors license. They both have lost weight (no more of the mandatory lunches) and look great. Sometime things that happen are a blessing.
Erin and Billy are starting up their adoption soon, and maybe I will have a another little one to take care of soon.
Lori and Todd have had many setbacks this year, but as my Dad would say.
They have picked themselves up, and kept on moving. They lost a son, a home, bought a new home and it was damaged by storms before they could move in. But they have a new baby and another son, so they must look forward. Bryce was a wonderful boy, I know he is proud of his family.
I miss him very much. The trial was hard (really do not want to talk about that) but the outcome was justified.
Jerry and I are plugging along, getting used to not being able to do as much, less money is not fun. Another year to medicare for me!! What a thing to look forward to! But we are happy, doing our day trips and antiqing and crafts. He just made me a beautiful desk area.
I have my worried of course, as usual. My favorite cousin is ill and I am so scared. She is a wonder. I love her so. But hopefully this week will bring better news. I want a certain someone in my life to get married, I love his lady so much. But I have to be patient and let them lead their own life. Which is hard.
My sister and I, what would we do without each other?
In closing, I guess all I am saying is. I am very grateful and happy. I never would have thought 27 years ago that I would be at peace like this. It all worked out. We survived, my chilren and I. And we are all happy.
Who could ask for more?

The Molly in my life.

Molly, whoever thought that the beagle I thought Erin, Devin and Billy were bringing home was going to be not the little beagle I imagined but a beagle with huge feet, which instantly told me we were going to have a BIG dog.
Well, things started off rather quickly. We took Molly inside, and she promptly started telling us who was boss. We thought we could leave her alone. Wrong. The first time we left her alone, when we came home everything was out of the refrigerator! So we got a cage, wrong again, she got out of the cage. So we added a chain, wrong again, she was waiting for us upstairs when we entered the house. Oh, this was going to be fun.
There is no dog to compare, in my life, to Molly as far as getting the best of a human being.
She was a human...
So smart, so lovable, so strong, so bad.
But we loved her.
One day, when I had found out I needed to have my thyroid zapped out, so when I came home from the hospital, I was really nervous, because they gave me such a hard time at the hospital. I had an appointment with the city to inspect the house because I qualified for a grant to bring things up to code.
Well, when I got home, I could not get in the house. I locked the keys in the car!
So I climbed in the bedroom window, with Molly at the window the whole time, trying to drag me in. So drag me in she did. Right on the floor. The inspectors came and I forseeing trouble, shut her in the back bedroom. Well, the inspectors did what they had to do. So I went to let Molly out. I thought they were gone. Wrong. They were just going out the door. Off Molly took, I grabbed her by the collar thinking I could stop her. Wrong. She dragged me down the hall, to the door, I hit my head on the door, opening it, she dragged me down the steps onto the porch and then onto the sidewalk at the feet of the Wyandotte inspectors. I can just imagine what they had to say when they got back to the office!!

Another time, Erin and Devins father was picking up them for the evening. I was in the backyard with Molly, taking clothes off the line. Their Dad and I were in some sort of not talking mode , so I continued to do what I was doing. Well, Molly grabbed a pair of my underpants got them on and ran around and around the backyard, Bill and I could not help but laugh together because it was so very funny, seeing the brown and white "beagle" with my underwear on!

So as you can see Molly was an adventure. We were always looking for her. One Christmas Eve was spent with 4 teams looking for her, only to discover she circled around and was at the back gate.

I have had dogs my whole life, but never one quite as smart as Molly.
She was there when I was lonely, sad, scared, happy, sick. Always.

We lost Molly in January of 2005, ten years after my kids brought her home.
It was right around this time. I think it was the 14th. What a horrible day.

Saying goodbye to Molly was so hard. She died at home. Devin, Erin and I at her side. With Erin pleading with me to give her CPR and Devin having to tell us to help her die. She gave her last breath, and with her my heart gave away a piece.

I will always remember her as will my family. If only we all could have such a great dog.

I know she is creating havoc in heaven with Chevis, Molly Sue, Buster and any other dog she can bully.

Love you still, Molly girl. Always will

Pay it Forward

Last night Jerry and I watched a movie "Pay it Forward". The main thought was a teacher giving an assignment to his class about changing the world. A young boy decided to start "Pay it Forward" meaning if you do a good thing for someone and they ask you how they can thank you enough, you just tell them, Do something good for three people, which they all do through the movie. His idea worked so well, it went all the way to California.

In life, we all have these people who do things for us and little do we realize the impact they have made on us.

My daughter, Erin McGill Beard, is an excellent writer, photographer, lover of animals. She believes in giving her gifts to the world.

She wrote a column the other day on her blog about author Pat Conroy.
She wrote how her love of books changed her life. Which is exactly what this new book of Pat Conroy's is about.

Got me to thinking:
First memory of really enjoying a good story was in third grade, could not wait for my teacher to read the next chapter of whatever book she chose to read that week. Her voice, her manner. Captiviated me.

My Dad and sister always took my brother and I to the Wyandotte Library. The Old Wyandotte library. With all of its history and grandness. We were deposited in the childrens library while they went on their way. I way on my way to a great change in my life.

The first book I read that challenged me to explore further was The Diary of Anne Frank. Her life during World War II in an attic with other Jewish families, stirred something in me. I read everything I could about the Holocaust and was deeply moved by the evil in the world. How can man be so cruel to man?

Next, Gone With The Wind, was the book that also changed my life. I found everything there was to read about the Civil War. Stephen Ambrose, Ashley Foote, devoured them all. Margaret Mitchell, through her story, told of the horror of the Civil War, but she also chose a heroine who became important to me. Scarlett O'hara. The romance of the era, the cause, the dreams. I stepped back in time. My daughter will often say how when she was at Getteysburg, she remarked, "My mom could do this tour" We went there one summer and it was a wonderful memory for me. I knew all my favorite generals and she patiently helped me find their monuments. For being from the North somehow I fell in love with Gen. Lee and Longstreet and Pickett. From the North, it was Chamberlain. All wonderful generals, with different ideals and dreams. All thinking they were right. Scarlett O'hara, fought for herself and her family. And although my whole life I wished I was more like the soft, gentle Melanie, I have found myself to be more like Scarlett. With that strong will to survive. My nephew Brian, also is a deep lover of the Civil War and its stories. I wonder if he has ever read Gone With The Wind?

When my daughter was three, off we would go, her on the back of my bike. With lunch packed and put in the basket, we would ride to the Wyandotte Library. Pick out books and go to Bishop Park and we would read. What fun and what a way to pay it forward. My Dad and Sister, My daughter and I. She loves to read. Has always loved to read and writes about the books so beautifully. I like to think I may have had something to do with that.

Books can take you anywhere. The only time I am completely relaxed is when I am reading a good book. I am in the moment. I am in whatever state I am reading about, I never got to travel much, but through books, I have seen and learned much.
Biographies, I love them. Mystery, I try to solve them. Love Alex Cross. Just read the James Patterson book about Alex Cross's roots and about his grandfather during the bad slave times and what went on.

The Help, wonderful book. Opens your eyes.

Sometimes, I wish I had the talent of so many wonderful writers, including Erin. There is so much I need to say. But I am quiet, do not like attention. That is why I am writing this blog. My daughter encouraged me. I love it. I have always kept journals. When I am gone, my children will find them all over the place.

Summation: Pay it forward. It may change someones life forever.

"And we all Shine On"

December 2010...... and here I am thinking, how to get through when you feel so sad?
Me, Miss Christmas Carol herself was like the new bah humbug of Christmas 2010. What was I going to do? My wonderful husband wanted the tree up, I, who usually can't wait, waited. But I put it up, decorated it, decorated the house. Jerry put lights up outside. The whole nine yards. But in my mind all the time, Who is going to see this, not having a big Christmas Eve at my house this year, knew I was not going to get much quality time with my two wonderful children and stepson. Ok, Linda, why are you doing all this? But I did, and continued to do the usual, baked, shopped, wrapped, planned, kept right on moving Dad just like you always told me.
Bryce had died, only 18, Erin's husband was laid off 2 weeks before Christmas, and they are trying to adopt, Lori is in pain, cousins had died the past few years, family members, one most beloved has been sick all year and was facing so much. How do you be happy, at the happiest time of the year?
Well, one night, I was laying on the couch, watching "It a Wonderful Life" with Jerry, because he insisted. Would'nt watch Home for the Holidays this year at Thanksgiving, but I laid down and prepared to watch "Its a Wonderful Life".

Halfway into the movie, I looked over at the tree.
Just looked.
Then, suddenly one light shone extra bright. One light, I though, no you are just seeing things. Then another, and another. And a thought entered my mind: one bright light, Bryce, two bright lights, Mom, three bright lights, Dad. All the bright lights turned into all my family who I was missing and they were telling me,
Shine On, Linda Shine on.
Then I thought of Jesus, That one bright light, Christmas Eve, when he was born.
All of our lights shine brightly, but they dim out the same as Jesus did. Only he came back to give us hope for all the tomorrows.
Then I started to enjoy things more. Jerry and I shopped together, we even baked together! I am blessed to have my children come see me when they can. We had a wonderful time at Greenfield Village on Devins birthday. Erin,Billy, Devin, Chrissy, Michelle and Jerry and I. It was great. Had a great shopping day with my girls, my sister and Michelle. Went and walked around Frankenmuth with Lori and Todd. During sad times we had good times. Our Hills and our Valleys.
Christmas Eve, my sister surprised me and came to church during the service. She said my eyes lit up when I saw her. My heart lit up! Then we had a quiet Christmas Eve dinner, just the four of us, Jerry, myself and Barb and Art. And guess what, it was nice, in fact it was perfect!
Believe me, this really happened with the lights. And although I am still struggling with the good ole things that come with old age and the horrible death of Bryce I realize now we must always shine on.

"And we all shine on,
Like the moon and stars and the sun
We must all shine on" John Lennon

Divine spark

A new year is here. What is it that makes our years come and go and leave us feeling somewhat if not downright sad? I think all of us have it in us to make a better way for ourselves, and we really try. But sometimes, the fates have it in for us. So, what do we do? We have to have that spark of courage to move on and hope for better times. What worse than to lose a child? A job? Hope for adoption to be slowed down by some bad timing? Where is this divine spark that shines?
My own experience is time. I have had many dark moments in my life, only to come through them, with a greater understanding of what life is.
People, I will never understand. Being the sensitive person I have always been, I take to much to heart and get hurt. When someone I know is hurting, I try to call, visit, or send a card. Not all people are like that. Silence is NOT golden. It causes pain and confusion.
All I can hope for in this year ahead, is I make the right choices, help my family, and try to continue to care about others. That is all we all can do after all, isn't it?